so many loose ends

fiction

2008-05-21T22:51:00.004-04:00

If you're reading fiction searching to know the depths of God, you're looking in the wrong place. While books like The Da Vinci Code and The Shack may contain what the writers believe to be theological and empirical truth, they are fiction. Read them as such. I haven't read The Shack yet, but will be doing so in late June, and I couldn't put The Da Vinci Code down (or any of his other books). Do I believe that there was a cult where Jesus had sex with Mary? Not so much, but Dan Brown is an incredibly gifted and entertaining fiction writer.

Common grace, though, can run rampant through them (maybe not Da Vinci...). Instead of just labeling a book as "crap," especially if it's fiction, let's just read it through a Scriptural lens and keep our opinions of the theology of a fiction book to ourselves. It's fiction...if William Young or Dan Brown start writing "theological" books, then we'll critique them as such. I think these attitudes are exemplary of how many conservative Christians act, and thus are part of the reason that Christianity is so divided (e.g. all the denominations).

hatred is...

2008-02-18T15:41:00.004-05:00

"hatred is the world's currency"

-david jackman, from the message of john's letters

god is good

2007-12-12T10:54:00.001-05:00

God is good. I don't know how to put it any other way.

I have been avoiding writing on my blog for the past few months...maybe over a year I've been avoiding it. But, that said, it's like instead of poking a hole in the bottom of the blessing bucket and letting it sprinkle on me, God's just dumped it over. We hang out again. And, for the first time really ever in my life, I truly enjoy living. And living with a purpose, too.

So, this is short. And God is good. And, for once, I actually believe that.

yes, or better

2007-11-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

This is out of a bulletin from Perimeter I saved and stuck in my (old) journal. I think God kept it there until He knew I most needed it...

"Janis Joplin once wrote a song, 'O Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz, my friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends, so Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?' Creative prayer lyrics, but not prone to be answered in the affirmative. Questions about prayer abound. What should I pray for? Why are my prayers not answered? How come I never have a desire to pray? ...

Some people ask, 'If God knows everything and will accomplish what He wants, why should we pray?' Good question. Have you ever thought that part of his plan requires prayer? It is not the initial cause of His actions, but because of His character, He has to respond. He does not have a 'Nobody Home' sign on the door. He will answer one of two ways to the person who calls on Him in faith: Yes or Better. Those are the two options. Paul tells the Romans that God 'works all things together for good to those who love God.' If that is you, your prayers will be Yes or Better. Our challenge is seeing that if the answer is not yes, it is better. Jesus says He is not going to give us a stone if we ask for bread. He will do right by us. By His perfect knowledge of what is best for us, He will direct and that is good. His character dictates that He loves His people and that He does right by them for His glory.

So we encourage you to pray. Start with some Adoration. Then maybe a little Confession. One of our elders says, 'How about we pray for God to reveal our sin to us, so that we can run to Him?' If we pray that prayer, He will answer. Move along to some Thanksgiving. We all can park there for awhile. Then you may want to wind up with Supplication or asking for what you think has value. Be encouraged that God will say Yes or Better. CS Lewis once said that he was glad God had not answered yes to many of his prayers. God had 'better' in mind and over time Lewis could look back and see that was indeed the case..."

sonship

2007-10-26T22:54:00.001-04:00

From Mere Christianity...

"I know the words 'leave it to God' can be misunderstood, but they must stay for the moment. The sense in which a Christian leaves it to God is that he puts all his trust in Christ: trusts that Christ will somehow share with him the perfect human obedience which He carried out from His birth to His crucifixion: that Christ will make the man more like Himself and, in a sense, make good his deficiencies. In Christian language, He will share His 'sonship' with us, will make us like Himself, 'Sons of God'. ... If you like to put it that way, Christ offers something for nothing: He even offers everything for nothing. In a sense, the whole Christian life consists in accepting that very remarkable offer. But the difficulty is to reach the point of recognizing that all we have done and can do is nothing. What we should have liked would be for God to count our good points and ignore our bad ones. Again, in a sense, you may say that no temptation is ever overcome until we stop trying to overcome it - throw up the sponge. But then you could not 'stop trying' in the right way and for the right reason until you had tried your very hardest. And, in yet another sense, handing everything over to Christ does not, of course, mean that you stop trying. To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. This if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you."

I can't say it gets much better than this...

joy is a choice

2007-07-02T20:33:00.000-04:00

"joy is a choice"

that seemingly simple and obvious comment has grown to affect my worldview. and i'm letting it affect my worldview more and more every day. that's a powerful statement. joy isn't constant "happiness," i don't think...it's something completely different. happiness can be an expression of joy, so don't hear me say joy is not happiness...just to clear that up. i just think it can be other things too. i think the Biblical presentation of joy is more one of confident expectation and a resting in that, knowing the end result is far better than we imagined. james writes-

"count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (james 1.2-4)

so, essentially, james is like: "hey, i know it's hard, but stick it out. you know the end result...and it's better than you or i imagined, i guarantee it. so don't complain." God won't give us more than we can handle. and he knows a lot better than we do what we can handle. sticking it out...that's worship. paul writes-

"i appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (romans 12.1-2)

that's something i've been grappling with. even when i don't want to renew my mind by studying the word or even praying, it's worship. i can worship when i don't want to? yeah...and i'm called to.

and hey - i do know the end of the story. jesus wins. he has, but he will...for good.
if you're post-millenial...jesus wins
if you're a-millenial...jesus wins
if you're pre-millenial...jesus wins
if you were sprinkled as an infant...jesus wins
if you were dunked as an adult...jesus wins
if you take grape juice for communion...jesus wins
if you drink wine for communion...jesus wins
if you...

american [dream] idol

2006-09-17T23:33:00.000-04:00

now to my real post. i've had this one bouncing around in my head for the past couple weeks. it's a combination response to some of the responses i've had to my previous couple posts and a lot of what i've been thinking the last couple weeks.

::emotion.
i had some response that my emotionality in the past few posts has been unduly strong. isn't emotion inherently strong? why am i wrong for having a powerful emotional response to events in my life? surely you must realize these things are a normal part of the growing and maturing process, both as a person and a Christian. Christ summarized the law as (1) love the Lord with all your heart, and (2) love your neighbor as yourself (take a look at the 10 commandments...this is pretty clear). let me summarize this as (1) be a disciple, and (2) make disciples. this is all part of #1 for me - the growing & maturing process. emotions are part of this. isn't God emotional? we're made in His image...

::desire & idolization.
i have desires. everyone does - this is part of being made in the image of God. granted, some of these desires are out of line with God's desires for our lives. David wrote, "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37.4). Jesus put it another way - "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mt. 6.33). so, as i wrote before, i desire a wife, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog. but a bigger problem arises when i desire these things and am not pursuing God first. that is the point where a desire becomes an idol, and "desire" becomes "deserve." God clearly says "You shall have no other gods before me" (Ex. 20.3). basically, as Randy Pope puts it, don't add to God...the point where we desire God less than we deserve other things. the only thing we deserve is death - this is clearly taught in most of Paul's letters. to bring this to a head, i so often idolize what some would call the American dream, and place this desire far ahead of God. i mean, i deserve it, right? or not... let me put the first commandment another way - don't have any hope before God. any hope we place above that of Christ is idolization. i hope i'm making myself clear - and i'm preaching to myself as much, if not more, than anyone else.

::clarification.
regarding the events and thoughts i've posted the last couple weeks - i'm more angry with myself than anyone else...for letting myself be used in that way, and for not guarding my heart.

more to come!

used

2006-09-04T22:42:00.000-04:00

i'm trying to write this song (see post below)...and the more i try to write, the more i get pissed at myself for being used and temporary.

'i am just your temporary cure
for the hole i could never fill...'

then again i'm mad at myself for opening up too soon...for baring a part of me that i can't take being stomped on.

'i let you in a smaller door,
one that seldom sees the light...'

and then having that little part of me stepped on, ridiculed?

'it didn't mean the same to you
you laughed and left me there...'

you know, honestly, i don't know what i'm looking for. but i do know that i want someone who i can share my emotions and sentiments with and they will appreciate them...or at least appreciate why i feel that way...which would entail maybe not ridiculing them? maybe? j rich writes in his song mr. temporary this: 'you're still singing love songs to a lover undercover...'

yeah, i am. and i'm still dating that idea. but there's this one thing that really bothers me. you just like being liked...it feels so one-sided.

dating an idea

2006-09-01T00:31:00.000-04:00

oh how i am guilty of this...dating an idea, that is...

i think i would probably go to the extent that every guy who is intent on marriage at some point would struggle with this. first we meet someone and think, 'hey, she's pretty cool, i want to get to know her.' then we start building up, forming, molding this idea of who we think she is, and as we continue in this fabrication, it slowly becomes our perception of her. the real, intimate, deep parts of who she is. so you start to become friends. friends. and you eventually reach a pinnacle of your idea where you feel like you're going to burst without 'popping the question,' in a sense. so you start to pour a lot more into trying to spend time with her...leaving your nights open, hoping she'll return your call within maybe a couple days, and trying to be available....both emotionally, and physically. you essentially become her lap dog, making everything she asks of you your gospel. you start hinting stronger toward how you feel and sharing deeper parts of your heart, but the feeling clearly isn't reciprocated...and some of those deeper parts of your heart end up getting stepped on. in some sense, you become an emotional whore and let something go that you really don't want anyone to know (this is really a fear that if they knew, they couldn't love you)...and it eventually gets used in some sense to ridicule you or push you back. you are just 'friends.' she has no real interest in knowing what ignites your passions, what your release is, what you long for. it honestly is just an interest in what small portion of her emotional/physical need you can fill for the moment. which brings me to...

i don't think it's possible for guys and girls of a mature age, both who are intent on marriage at some point, to be totally platonic. i honestly, seriously do not believe it's possible. seriously, 10 years from now when you're theoretically married, how many deep friendships do you have with people of the opposite gender (besides your spouse, hopefully)? none, i would guess...it's not healthy, and it breeds jealousy. seriously, do you think i make reservations, take you out, and pay for dinner & a movie just so we can be friends 10 years from now?

so how do we fill this need? how do we stop dating this idea? Jesus tells us that he is 'living water' and the 'way' the 'truth' and the 'life.' he can fill that emotional void where you so long for that deep relationship. he's the way to that relationship...he is that relationship.

on another note:

little miss sunshine.
this is a good movie. it will probably touch you in one way or another. it'll make you laugh, and it'll make you cry. it will parallel your own experience within your family.

so i was thinking some about movies tonight, and why we do or don't like certain ones. the ones i like generally pull at a deeper part of me and appeal to something that's bigger than me. like garden state...this movie tears at my heart. i recently watched it again and one recurring thought was bouncing around in my head..."I WANT THAT." i want someone to set me free like that.

now i'm even kind-of regretting that statement. like earlier tonight, i was talking about garden state, made the statement, and immediately wished i hadn't said it. there's maybe that little something i let go...and got laughed at. i felt ridiculous for even thinking it. how dare i be emotional about something? want something? how dare i feel strongly about it? maybe i'm a little bitter right now.

but i can't keep doing this...can't keep dumping out effort and energy if it's not getting me any closer.

time for a new one

2006-08-03T04:43:00.000-04:00

it's time i wrote a new blog

i have no idea where i want to take this, so bear with me...it may be disconnected

:patience
patience was not something God blessed me with a lot of. i am always looking for the quick fix to everything, whether it's dating or my quiet times or school or whatever else. i feel like my thoughts are so regimented and narrow that there should be a formula for everything. maybe this comes from my math/engineering left-brainedness (is that a word?). i guess my choice of career fits this, though i'm finding out more and more that finance (or the stock market) can't be put into a formula -- take that markowitz!

:desire
i've been thinking a lot about my desires and dreams lately. are they misplaced or too self-centered? i don't know. here's my dilemma: i am called to glorify God in everything i do -- think, speak, do...but how does this translate into everyday living? are my thoughts his thoughts? am i doing the most pleasing thing in His eyes? i desire a family, a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog...along with a white picket fence, but am i making this a priority? and is it wrong to want these things? maybe my desires are less tempered than they need to be - sometimes i feel frustrated because i have none of these things yet...and the thought that i might never have these things scares me. but i'm not called to comfort. and these things i perceive as comfortable. so is it wrong to want these things? i hear St. Augustine quoted so many times -- "love God, and do what you want" -- but i think this is so mis-applied in our lives. David writes in the Psalms that if we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. and Paul writes so many times of our desires being fleshly and evil. so, how do i distinguish between what my fleshly desires and Godly desires are? i don't know. i do know we have freedom in Christ, and this is really where Augustine was going with his message. if we're truly seeking the heart of God, then our desires will be His desires...and this is freedom, but not freedom to do what we want. i think maybe it's taken to the extent of being license [to sin] instead of freedom, and that everything is just covered under grace (it is, i'm not disputing this). there's so much more i could write on this, but i'm reaching the rambling stage at this point.

:grace
Paul, as he progressed in his ministry, points out to a greater extent as he ages how much a sinner he really is. i think this is a major part of the maturing process -- realizing how incredibly wretched our hearts are. i also think as we realize how incredibly wretched our hearts are, we realize more and more how big God's grace really is. BIG

:work/school
on a lighter note, i found out last week i passed level I of the CFA. 2 to go, but this is a huge weight off my shoulders...finding out i passed, that is. it pretty much consumed my non-school/work time from january through june. now i have to start thinking about level II next june. i'm working now for a wealth management firm here in atlanta, and i'm loving it. i hope i can go on full-time with them after i graduate in december. oh, and i graduate in december. december 16. that's when i give tech the metaphorical "bird." except on gameday.

so, have i reached any conclusions? barely. but isn't life always a continuance?

until next time...

love letters

2006-04-18T21:44:00.000-04:00

i have written anew

I was reflecting the other night on being broken and contrite, and maybe the Father's response to this. So while this is written to a 'daughter' it is not so much gender-specific as it is an allegory...

Love Letters

you said you never wanted it this way
you feel washed up and jaded
your heart is worn and broken
your colors have all faded

it's such a lonely room within a crowd
your tears, they fall, and never hit the ground

i have waited for this moment
to show you i am here
with open arms i welcome
every fall and calm your fears

you said it wasn't him that broke your heart
you blame it on yourself
you know he could never love you
with the love that you gave him

it's such a lonely room within a crowd
your tears, they fall, and never hit the ground

i have waited for this moment
to show you i am here
with open arms i welcome
every fall and wipe your tears

so come back home
come back home
so come back home
come back home

i'm waiting here...

journal excerpts

2006-03-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

::journal excerpts::
i am looking through my written journal and i'm going to share a little of it here...

:9-8-2005:
... why am i so spiritual and yet so distant? i need words. i wish i could discipline my walk like i discipline my schoolwork. i have all these ideas of a close walk, but what is it? am i wrong? am i lost? ... i can't think straight ... everyone thinks i have it all together. i don't know what i have together. my heart is not together. i have no intimacy with anyone [it feels this way sometimes] ... what is manhood? how can i be a man and have faith like a child? what will bring me to my knees every hour, every waking minute before my true lover? ... what will break my mold? ... i have done so much wrong - how can it be let go? ...

:2-8-2006:
... i am so dissatisfied with what God gives me. why can't i just accept Him as enough to fill my desires? he is all i need - Lord, help me to affirm this in my heart. i know in my heart your provision comes in perfect timing, but my mind wants to wander so often. you pursue me relentlessly, but i run as fast as i can the other way. i'm an addict to this world. i can't save myself ... why do i worry so much about the things around me? i can't change other people. their hearts are not my responsibility. does this free me from my commission? no...

:3-1-2006:
... please God, give me more discipline. i am so easily distracted - the phone, the TV, the computer. release me from my addictions. help me to dance with you and not whore myself out to this world any longer. i need some inspiration. some motivation. a muse ...

:3-20-2006:
... GALATIANS 1:15 -
"...set me apart from birth"
"...called me by his grace"
... let me firm this in my heart and not doubt this. who am i to question his choice and his grace? he is the one who chose me --> he is the 'first mover.' now it is my job...calling...to continually recognize this grace and live in light of it. live so that everything i do is destined to fail lest God be in it ...

sundry thoughts

2006-02-09T00:46:00.000-05:00

i'm going to ramble for a bit

I've been thinking a lot about relationships (obviously...see below). I have a tendency to share too much, to open up too much to whoever. Now I don't believe transparency is a bad thing at all, but I am all for guarding my heart as well. I'm awful at the guarding my heart part. Let me theorize and philosophize a bit about this.

I think this stems from a deep-seated desire for intimacy with God. I have incredible difficulty opening up and praying my heart, in a sense, to Him. He already knows, right? Why would I want to tell Him and re-hash how bad I am? But I have almost no trouble pouring this on other people. This inherently puts a lot of pressure on a friendship or relationship (I'm really talking more about friendship/relationship with the opposite sex). Now I believe that with a serious romantic relationship this is healthy as the relationship progresses, but sharing my heart (beyond a certain extent) with every girl I come in contact with and have an extended conversation with can't be healthy. Does my future wife want me to load onto others my emotional baggage? I seriously doubt it. Think about it - when you're married, do you have close friends of the opposite sex? This is rare, and potentially incredibly dangerous.

So this said, I don't mean to imply that we should be closed-off, pursuing a courting lifestyle, forming close relationships with "potential" mates' fathers and pouring it all out on them. I don't think this is healthy either. We need to find a "happy medium" of sharing and relating where we don't seem withdrawn and distant. We have to let the wall down a little, but we can't crash it down on every person we come in contact with. There's already someone who listens and fully understands, and yet loves us.

I don't really have a strong closing thought to cap it all off, so I won't ramble any more.

falling out

2005-11-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

So I said there was a good entry coming soon...I'll try to make this good.

I realize a lot of the people that read this don't know me that well (and I don't even know half the people who 'subscribe' to this), so what I talk about may seem out there or whatever, but it really is where I am. I also realize that my mother reads this, so leave a comment saying hello to her. I love you mom.

I will start by saying I am sitting beside my fire. Yes, my fire. A real fire, with wood. This is because I have natural gas heat, and natural gas prices are so freaking high right now that I've decided it's going to be a cold winter, and I may spend some nights on the floor beside the fire (just like the old days, eh?). All joking aside, here goes...

I think of my standard semester of school sort of like a funnel. I start off at a high point, really motivated, and really excited. It inevitably funnels down into "the low point." Not just a low point, but always "the low point." For the 3-4 weeks leading up to the weekend I went to Augusta, I will say I was sliding down that slope to "the low point." This is to say that my nights would be spent laying around watching TV, or browsing the internet aimlessly, my mind wandering off in search of some intimacy I could never grasp here. I couldn't pray for the life of me. I couldn't crack open the Word and free my mind from its wanderings. So how do you get out of "the low point." I will say that it usually takes some incident, some event, something that shows you where you really are. So this unavoidable incident, event, and something occurred. Details are not important (those of you who know, know), except to say that God brought me to a point where I have never seen at that level how truly sinful I am, and how much I need forgiveness (not only from God, but from other people) and grace.

Let me put this a little bit in perspective. I have not dated anyone for over two years, which would lead my mind to think that I am 'ready' for something. God knows I am not, and never will be. There will always be a need that any woman I meet, no matter how great I am, that I cannot fill. And there will always be my need, that no matter how great a woman I meet, that she cannot fill. This is that intimacy. I desire to be an intimate person. I desire to be an intimate man with an intimate woman. I desire that this intimate relationship will only show me how limited human intimacy is, and not seek to fulfill my deepest desires with a woman. THAT INTIMACY.

So this is how I have purposed myself for the past two weeks. To seek that, and only that, intimacy. Who am I to seek it anywhere else than on my knees? Who am I to proudly think that I can find it on my own? Make this my theme - 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of who I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience...'

How disconnected is this? I doubt that my train of thought has kept anyone here in line with it.

Let me write a little to the comment about never being ready. On some level, this is always true. On another level, we'll always say that. Let me not fool you into thinking I do not have one specific person on my mind. We could travel down the slippery slope of always saying "I'm not there yet." Are we ever there yet? Did God say, "Wait until you're ready, then we'll get some time together."? No. How could we grow if we're already there? He said, "Come here. You're mine now. No matter how much you run, I will pursue you, and I will bring you back to Me, and you will grow in this way." So what of it? Is pursuit wrong? I would certainly hope not. How, if both of us were 'there,' could we grow together? Isn't there so much more growth to be looked forward to then? To strike another chord in harmony with this...what an incredible chance to be a leader. To fulfill this aspect of calling. To enable someone else to grow through me. And to keep in mind that I can't fill her need, and she can't fill mine. The room at the foot of the cross is free. I just have to lose my life to gain it.

So back to the funnel. I've made it to the bottom and somehow clung to the edge, and I'm coming back up that other side.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. There's so much more I have to say, but not tonight.