falling out

So I said there was a good entry coming soon...I'll try to make this good.

I realize a lot of the people that read this don't know me that well (and I don't even know half the people who 'subscribe' to this), so what I talk about may seem out there or whatever, but it really is where I am. I also realize that my mother reads this, so leave a comment saying hello to her. I love you mom.

I will start by saying I am sitting beside my fire. Yes, my fire. A real fire, with wood. This is because I have natural gas heat, and natural gas prices are so freaking high right now that I've decided it's going to be a cold winter, and I may spend some nights on the floor beside the fire (just like the old days, eh?). All joking aside, here goes...

I think of my standard semester of school sort of like a funnel. I start off at a high point, really motivated, and really excited. It inevitably funnels down into "the low point." Not just a low point, but always "the low point." For the 3-4 weeks leading up to the weekend I went to Augusta, I will say I was sliding down that slope to "the low point." This is to say that my nights would be spent laying around watching TV, or browsing the internet aimlessly, my mind wandering off in search of some intimacy I could never grasp here. I couldn't pray for the life of me. I couldn't crack open the Word and free my mind from its wanderings. So how do you get out of "the low point." I will say that it usually takes some incident, some event, something that shows you where you really are. So this unavoidable incident, event, and something occurred. Details are not important (those of you who know, know), except to say that God brought me to a point where I have never seen at that level how truly sinful I am, and how much I need forgiveness (not only from God, but from other people) and grace.

Let me put this a little bit in perspective. I have not dated anyone for over two years, which would lead my mind to think that I am 'ready' for something. God knows I am not, and never will be. There will always be a need that any woman I meet, no matter how great I am, that I cannot fill. And there will always be my need, that no matter how great a woman I meet, that she cannot fill. This is that intimacy. I desire to be an intimate person. I desire to be an intimate man with an intimate woman. I desire that this intimate relationship will only show me how limited human intimacy is, and not seek to fulfill my deepest desires with a woman. THAT INTIMACY.

So this is how I have purposed myself for the past two weeks. To seek that, and only that, intimacy. Who am I to seek it anywhere else than on my knees? Who am I to proudly think that I can find it on my own? Make this my theme - 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of who I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience...'

How disconnected is this? I doubt that my train of thought has kept anyone here in line with it.

Let me write a little to the comment about never being ready. On some level, this is always true. On another level, we'll always say that. Let me not fool you into thinking I do not have one specific person on my mind. We could travel down the slippery slope of always saying "I'm not there yet." Are we ever there yet? Did God say, "Wait until you're ready, then we'll get some time together."? No. How could we grow if we're already there? He said, "Come here. You're mine now. No matter how much you run, I will pursue you, and I will bring you back to Me, and you will grow in this way." So what of it? Is pursuit wrong? I would certainly hope not. How, if both of us were 'there,' could we grow together? Isn't there so much more growth to be looked forward to then? To strike another chord in harmony with this...what an incredible chance to be a leader. To fulfill this aspect of calling. To enable someone else to grow through me. And to keep in mind that I can't fill her need, and she can't fill mine. The room at the foot of the cross is free. I just have to lose my life to gain it.

So back to the funnel. I've made it to the bottom and somehow clung to the edge, and I'm coming back up that other side.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. There's so much more I have to say, but not tonight.