american [dream] idol

now to my real post. i've had this one bouncing around in my head for the past couple weeks. it's a combination response to some of the responses i've had to my previous couple posts and a lot of what i've been thinking the last couple weeks.

::emotion.
i had some response that my emotionality in the past few posts has been unduly strong. isn't emotion inherently strong? why am i wrong for having a powerful emotional response to events in my life? surely you must realize these things are a normal part of the growing and maturing process, both as a person and a Christian. Christ summarized the law as (1) love the Lord with all your heart, and (2) love your neighbor as yourself (take a look at the 10 commandments...this is pretty clear). let me summarize this as (1) be a disciple, and (2) make disciples. this is all part of #1 for me - the growing & maturing process. emotions are part of this. isn't God emotional? we're made in His image...

::desire & idolization.
i have desires. everyone does - this is part of being made in the image of God. granted, some of these desires are out of line with God's desires for our lives. David wrote, "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37.4). Jesus put it another way - "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mt. 6.33). so, as i wrote before, i desire a wife, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog. but a bigger problem arises when i desire these things and am not pursuing God first. that is the point where a desire becomes an idol, and "desire" becomes "deserve." God clearly says "You shall have no other gods before me" (Ex. 20.3). basically, as Randy Pope puts it, don't add to God...the point where we desire God less than we deserve other things. the only thing we deserve is death - this is clearly taught in most of Paul's letters. to bring this to a head, i so often idolize what some would call the American dream, and place this desire far ahead of God. i mean, i deserve it, right? or not... let me put the first commandment another way - don't have any hope before God. any hope we place above that of Christ is idolization. i hope i'm making myself clear - and i'm preaching to myself as much, if not more, than anyone else.

::clarification.
regarding the events and thoughts i've posted the last couple weeks - i'm more angry with myself than anyone else...for letting myself be used in that way, and for not guarding my heart.

more to come!

used

i'm trying to write this song (see post below)...and the more i try to write, the more i get pissed at myself for being used and temporary.

'i am just your temporary cure
for the hole i could never fill...'

then again i'm mad at myself for opening up too soon...for baring a part of me that i can't take being stomped on.

'i let you in a smaller door,
one that seldom sees the light...'

and then having that little part of me stepped on, ridiculed?

'it didn't mean the same to you
you laughed and left me there...'

you know, honestly, i don't know what i'm looking for. but i do know that i want someone who i can share my emotions and sentiments with and they will appreciate them...or at least appreciate why i feel that way...which would entail maybe not ridiculing them? maybe? j rich writes in his song mr. temporary this: 'you're still singing love songs to a lover undercover...'

yeah, i am. and i'm still dating that idea. but there's this one thing that really bothers me. you just like being liked...it feels so one-sided.

dating an idea

oh how i am guilty of this...dating an idea, that is...

i think i would probably go to the extent that every guy who is intent on marriage at some point would struggle with this. first we meet someone and think, 'hey, she's pretty cool, i want to get to know her.' then we start building up, forming, molding this idea of who we think she is, and as we continue in this fabrication, it slowly becomes our perception of her. the real, intimate, deep parts of who she is. so you start to become friends. friends. and you eventually reach a pinnacle of your idea where you feel like you're going to burst without 'popping the question,' in a sense. so you start to pour a lot more into trying to spend time with her...leaving your nights open, hoping she'll return your call within maybe a couple days, and trying to be available....both emotionally, and physically. you essentially become her lap dog, making everything she asks of you your gospel. you start hinting stronger toward how you feel and sharing deeper parts of your heart, but the feeling clearly isn't reciprocated...and some of those deeper parts of your heart end up getting stepped on. in some sense, you become an emotional whore and let something go that you really don't want anyone to know (this is really a fear that if they knew, they couldn't love you)...and it eventually gets used in some sense to ridicule you or push you back. you are just 'friends.' she has no real interest in knowing what ignites your passions, what your release is, what you long for. it honestly is just an interest in what small portion of her emotional/physical need you can fill for the moment. which brings me to...

i don't think it's possible for guys and girls of a mature age, both who are intent on marriage at some point, to be totally platonic. i honestly, seriously do not believe it's possible. seriously, 10 years from now when you're theoretically married, how many deep friendships do you have with people of the opposite gender (besides your spouse, hopefully)? none, i would guess...it's not healthy, and it breeds jealousy. seriously, do you think i make reservations, take you out, and pay for dinner & a movie just so we can be friends 10 years from now?

so how do we fill this need? how do we stop dating this idea? Jesus tells us that he is 'living water' and the 'way' the 'truth' and the 'life.' he can fill that emotional void where you so long for that deep relationship. he's the way to that relationship...he is that relationship.

on another note:

little miss sunshine.
this is a good movie. it will probably touch you in one way or another. it'll make you laugh, and it'll make you cry. it will parallel your own experience within your family.

so i was thinking some about movies tonight, and why we do or don't like certain ones. the ones i like generally pull at a deeper part of me and appeal to something that's bigger than me. like garden state...this movie tears at my heart. i recently watched it again and one recurring thought was bouncing around in my head..."I WANT THAT." i want someone to set me free like that.

now i'm even kind-of regretting that statement. like earlier tonight, i was talking about garden state, made the statement, and immediately wished i hadn't said it. there's maybe that little something i let go...and got laughed at. i felt ridiculous for even thinking it. how dare i be emotional about something? want something? how dare i feel strongly about it? maybe i'm a little bitter right now.

but i can't keep doing this...can't keep dumping out effort and energy if it's not getting me any closer.

time for a new one

it's time i wrote a new blog

i have no idea where i want to take this, so bear with me...it may be disconnected

:patience
patience was not something God blessed me with a lot of. i am always looking for the quick fix to everything, whether it's dating or my quiet times or school or whatever else. i feel like my thoughts are so regimented and narrow that there should be a formula for everything. maybe this comes from my math/engineering left-brainedness (is that a word?). i guess my choice of career fits this, though i'm finding out more and more that finance (or the stock market) can't be put into a formula -- take that markowitz!

:desire
i've been thinking a lot about my desires and dreams lately. are they misplaced or too self-centered? i don't know. here's my dilemma: i am called to glorify God in everything i do -- think, speak, do...but how does this translate into everyday living? are my thoughts his thoughts? am i doing the most pleasing thing in His eyes? i desire a family, a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog...along with a white picket fence, but am i making this a priority? and is it wrong to want these things? maybe my desires are less tempered than they need to be - sometimes i feel frustrated because i have none of these things yet...and the thought that i might never have these things scares me. but i'm not called to comfort. and these things i perceive as comfortable. so is it wrong to want these things? i hear St. Augustine quoted so many times -- "love God, and do what you want" -- but i think this is so mis-applied in our lives. David writes in the Psalms that if we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. and Paul writes so many times of our desires being fleshly and evil. so, how do i distinguish between what my fleshly desires and Godly desires are? i don't know. i do know we have freedom in Christ, and this is really where Augustine was going with his message. if we're truly seeking the heart of God, then our desires will be His desires...and this is freedom, but not freedom to do what we want. i think maybe it's taken to the extent of being license [to sin] instead of freedom, and that everything is just covered under grace (it is, i'm not disputing this). there's so much more i could write on this, but i'm reaching the rambling stage at this point.

:grace
Paul, as he progressed in his ministry, points out to a greater extent as he ages how much a sinner he really is. i think this is a major part of the maturing process -- realizing how incredibly wretched our hearts are. i also think as we realize how incredibly wretched our hearts are, we realize more and more how big God's grace really is. BIG

:work/school
on a lighter note, i found out last week i passed level I of the CFA. 2 to go, but this is a huge weight off my shoulders...finding out i passed, that is. it pretty much consumed my non-school/work time from january through june. now i have to start thinking about level II next june. i'm working now for a wealth management firm here in atlanta, and i'm loving it. i hope i can go on full-time with them after i graduate in december. oh, and i graduate in december. december 16. that's when i give tech the metaphorical "bird." except on gameday.

so, have i reached any conclusions? barely. but isn't life always a continuance?

until next time...

love letters

i have written anew

I was reflecting the other night on being broken and contrite, and maybe the Father's response to this. So while this is written to a 'daughter' it is not so much gender-specific as it is an allegory...

Love Letters

you said you never wanted it this way
you feel washed up and jaded
your heart is worn and broken
your colors have all faded

it's such a lonely room within a crowd
your tears, they fall, and never hit the ground

i have waited for this moment
to show you i am here
with open arms i welcome
every fall and calm your fears

you said it wasn't him that broke your heart
you blame it on yourself
you know he could never love you
with the love that you gave him

it's such a lonely room within a crowd
your tears, they fall, and never hit the ground

i have waited for this moment
to show you i am here
with open arms i welcome
every fall and wipe your tears

so come back home
come back home
so come back home
come back home

i'm waiting here...

journal excerpts

::journal excerpts::
i am looking through my written journal and i'm going to share a little of it here...

:9-8-2005:
... why am i so spiritual and yet so distant? i need words. i wish i could discipline my walk like i discipline my schoolwork. i have all these ideas of a close walk, but what is it? am i wrong? am i lost? ... i can't think straight ... everyone thinks i have it all together. i don't know what i have together. my heart is not together. i have no intimacy with anyone [it feels this way sometimes] ... what is manhood? how can i be a man and have faith like a child? what will bring me to my knees every hour, every waking minute before my true lover? ... what will break my mold? ... i have done so much wrong - how can it be let go? ...

:2-8-2006:
... i am so dissatisfied with what God gives me. why can't i just accept Him as enough to fill my desires? he is all i need - Lord, help me to affirm this in my heart. i know in my heart your provision comes in perfect timing, but my mind wants to wander so often. you pursue me relentlessly, but i run as fast as i can the other way. i'm an addict to this world. i can't save myself ... why do i worry so much about the things around me? i can't change other people. their hearts are not my responsibility. does this free me from my commission? no...

:3-1-2006:
... please God, give me more discipline. i am so easily distracted - the phone, the TV, the computer. release me from my addictions. help me to dance with you and not whore myself out to this world any longer. i need some inspiration. some motivation. a muse ...

:3-20-2006:
... GALATIANS 1:15 -
"...set me apart from birth"
"...called me by his grace"
... let me firm this in my heart and not doubt this. who am i to question his choice and his grace? he is the one who chose me --> he is the 'first mover.' now it is my job...calling...to continually recognize this grace and live in light of it. live so that everything i do is destined to fail lest God be in it ...

sundry thoughts

i'm going to ramble for a bit

I've been thinking a lot about relationships (obviously...see below). I have a tendency to share too much, to open up too much to whoever. Now I don't believe transparency is a bad thing at all, but I am all for guarding my heart as well. I'm awful at the guarding my heart part. Let me theorize and philosophize a bit about this.

I think this stems from a deep-seated desire for intimacy with God. I have incredible difficulty opening up and praying my heart, in a sense, to Him. He already knows, right? Why would I want to tell Him and re-hash how bad I am? But I have almost no trouble pouring this on other people. This inherently puts a lot of pressure on a friendship or relationship (I'm really talking more about friendship/relationship with the opposite sex). Now I believe that with a serious romantic relationship this is healthy as the relationship progresses, but sharing my heart (beyond a certain extent) with every girl I come in contact with and have an extended conversation with can't be healthy. Does my future wife want me to load onto others my emotional baggage? I seriously doubt it. Think about it - when you're married, do you have close friends of the opposite sex? This is rare, and potentially incredibly dangerous.

So this said, I don't mean to imply that we should be closed-off, pursuing a courting lifestyle, forming close relationships with "potential" mates' fathers and pouring it all out on them. I don't think this is healthy either. We need to find a "happy medium" of sharing and relating where we don't seem withdrawn and distant. We have to let the wall down a little, but we can't crash it down on every person we come in contact with. There's already someone who listens and fully understands, and yet loves us.

I don't really have a strong closing thought to cap it all off, so I won't ramble any more.