journal excerpts

::journal excerpts::
i am looking through my written journal and i'm going to share a little of it here...

:9-8-2005:
... why am i so spiritual and yet so distant? i need words. i wish i could discipline my walk like i discipline my schoolwork. i have all these ideas of a close walk, but what is it? am i wrong? am i lost? ... i can't think straight ... everyone thinks i have it all together. i don't know what i have together. my heart is not together. i have no intimacy with anyone [it feels this way sometimes] ... what is manhood? how can i be a man and have faith like a child? what will bring me to my knees every hour, every waking minute before my true lover? ... what will break my mold? ... i have done so much wrong - how can it be let go? ...

:2-8-2006:
... i am so dissatisfied with what God gives me. why can't i just accept Him as enough to fill my desires? he is all i need - Lord, help me to affirm this in my heart. i know in my heart your provision comes in perfect timing, but my mind wants to wander so often. you pursue me relentlessly, but i run as fast as i can the other way. i'm an addict to this world. i can't save myself ... why do i worry so much about the things around me? i can't change other people. their hearts are not my responsibility. does this free me from my commission? no...

:3-1-2006:
... please God, give me more discipline. i am so easily distracted - the phone, the TV, the computer. release me from my addictions. help me to dance with you and not whore myself out to this world any longer. i need some inspiration. some motivation. a muse ...

:3-20-2006:
... GALATIANS 1:15 -
"...set me apart from birth"
"...called me by his grace"
... let me firm this in my heart and not doubt this. who am i to question his choice and his grace? he is the one who chose me --> he is the 'first mover.' now it is my job...calling...to continually recognize this grace and live in light of it. live so that everything i do is destined to fail lest God be in it ...