american [dream] idol

now to my real post. i've had this one bouncing around in my head for the past couple weeks. it's a combination response to some of the responses i've had to my previous couple posts and a lot of what i've been thinking the last couple weeks.

::emotion.
i had some response that my emotionality in the past few posts has been unduly strong. isn't emotion inherently strong? why am i wrong for having a powerful emotional response to events in my life? surely you must realize these things are a normal part of the growing and maturing process, both as a person and a Christian. Christ summarized the law as (1) love the Lord with all your heart, and (2) love your neighbor as yourself (take a look at the 10 commandments...this is pretty clear). let me summarize this as (1) be a disciple, and (2) make disciples. this is all part of #1 for me - the growing & maturing process. emotions are part of this. isn't God emotional? we're made in His image...

::desire & idolization.
i have desires. everyone does - this is part of being made in the image of God. granted, some of these desires are out of line with God's desires for our lives. David wrote, "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37.4). Jesus put it another way - "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mt. 6.33). so, as i wrote before, i desire a wife, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog. but a bigger problem arises when i desire these things and am not pursuing God first. that is the point where a desire becomes an idol, and "desire" becomes "deserve." God clearly says "You shall have no other gods before me" (Ex. 20.3). basically, as Randy Pope puts it, don't add to God...the point where we desire God less than we deserve other things. the only thing we deserve is death - this is clearly taught in most of Paul's letters. to bring this to a head, i so often idolize what some would call the American dream, and place this desire far ahead of God. i mean, i deserve it, right? or not... let me put the first commandment another way - don't have any hope before God. any hope we place above that of Christ is idolization. i hope i'm making myself clear - and i'm preaching to myself as much, if not more, than anyone else.

::clarification.
regarding the events and thoughts i've posted the last couple weeks - i'm more angry with myself than anyone else...for letting myself be used in that way, and for not guarding my heart.

more to come!

used

i'm trying to write this song (see post below)...and the more i try to write, the more i get pissed at myself for being used and temporary.

'i am just your temporary cure
for the hole i could never fill...'

then again i'm mad at myself for opening up too soon...for baring a part of me that i can't take being stomped on.

'i let you in a smaller door,
one that seldom sees the light...'

and then having that little part of me stepped on, ridiculed?

'it didn't mean the same to you
you laughed and left me there...'

you know, honestly, i don't know what i'm looking for. but i do know that i want someone who i can share my emotions and sentiments with and they will appreciate them...or at least appreciate why i feel that way...which would entail maybe not ridiculing them? maybe? j rich writes in his song mr. temporary this: 'you're still singing love songs to a lover undercover...'

yeah, i am. and i'm still dating that idea. but there's this one thing that really bothers me. you just like being liked...it feels so one-sided.

dating an idea

oh how i am guilty of this...dating an idea, that is...

i think i would probably go to the extent that every guy who is intent on marriage at some point would struggle with this. first we meet someone and think, 'hey, she's pretty cool, i want to get to know her.' then we start building up, forming, molding this idea of who we think she is, and as we continue in this fabrication, it slowly becomes our perception of her. the real, intimate, deep parts of who she is. so you start to become friends. friends. and you eventually reach a pinnacle of your idea where you feel like you're going to burst without 'popping the question,' in a sense. so you start to pour a lot more into trying to spend time with her...leaving your nights open, hoping she'll return your call within maybe a couple days, and trying to be available....both emotionally, and physically. you essentially become her lap dog, making everything she asks of you your gospel. you start hinting stronger toward how you feel and sharing deeper parts of your heart, but the feeling clearly isn't reciprocated...and some of those deeper parts of your heart end up getting stepped on. in some sense, you become an emotional whore and let something go that you really don't want anyone to know (this is really a fear that if they knew, they couldn't love you)...and it eventually gets used in some sense to ridicule you or push you back. you are just 'friends.' she has no real interest in knowing what ignites your passions, what your release is, what you long for. it honestly is just an interest in what small portion of her emotional/physical need you can fill for the moment. which brings me to...

i don't think it's possible for guys and girls of a mature age, both who are intent on marriage at some point, to be totally platonic. i honestly, seriously do not believe it's possible. seriously, 10 years from now when you're theoretically married, how many deep friendships do you have with people of the opposite gender (besides your spouse, hopefully)? none, i would guess...it's not healthy, and it breeds jealousy. seriously, do you think i make reservations, take you out, and pay for dinner & a movie just so we can be friends 10 years from now?

so how do we fill this need? how do we stop dating this idea? Jesus tells us that he is 'living water' and the 'way' the 'truth' and the 'life.' he can fill that emotional void where you so long for that deep relationship. he's the way to that relationship...he is that relationship.

on another note:

little miss sunshine.
this is a good movie. it will probably touch you in one way or another. it'll make you laugh, and it'll make you cry. it will parallel your own experience within your family.

so i was thinking some about movies tonight, and why we do or don't like certain ones. the ones i like generally pull at a deeper part of me and appeal to something that's bigger than me. like garden state...this movie tears at my heart. i recently watched it again and one recurring thought was bouncing around in my head..."I WANT THAT." i want someone to set me free like that.

now i'm even kind-of regretting that statement. like earlier tonight, i was talking about garden state, made the statement, and immediately wished i hadn't said it. there's maybe that little something i let go...and got laughed at. i felt ridiculous for even thinking it. how dare i be emotional about something? want something? how dare i feel strongly about it? maybe i'm a little bitter right now.

but i can't keep doing this...can't keep dumping out effort and energy if it's not getting me any closer.