dating an idea

oh how i am guilty of this...dating an idea, that is...

i think i would probably go to the extent that every guy who is intent on marriage at some point would struggle with this. first we meet someone and think, 'hey, she's pretty cool, i want to get to know her.' then we start building up, forming, molding this idea of who we think she is, and as we continue in this fabrication, it slowly becomes our perception of her. the real, intimate, deep parts of who she is. so you start to become friends. friends. and you eventually reach a pinnacle of your idea where you feel like you're going to burst without 'popping the question,' in a sense. so you start to pour a lot more into trying to spend time with her...leaving your nights open, hoping she'll return your call within maybe a couple days, and trying to be available....both emotionally, and physically. you essentially become her lap dog, making everything she asks of you your gospel. you start hinting stronger toward how you feel and sharing deeper parts of your heart, but the feeling clearly isn't reciprocated...and some of those deeper parts of your heart end up getting stepped on. in some sense, you become an emotional whore and let something go that you really don't want anyone to know (this is really a fear that if they knew, they couldn't love you)...and it eventually gets used in some sense to ridicule you or push you back. you are just 'friends.' she has no real interest in knowing what ignites your passions, what your release is, what you long for. it honestly is just an interest in what small portion of her emotional/physical need you can fill for the moment. which brings me to...

i don't think it's possible for guys and girls of a mature age, both who are intent on marriage at some point, to be totally platonic. i honestly, seriously do not believe it's possible. seriously, 10 years from now when you're theoretically married, how many deep friendships do you have with people of the opposite gender (besides your spouse, hopefully)? none, i would guess...it's not healthy, and it breeds jealousy. seriously, do you think i make reservations, take you out, and pay for dinner & a movie just so we can be friends 10 years from now?

so how do we fill this need? how do we stop dating this idea? Jesus tells us that he is 'living water' and the 'way' the 'truth' and the 'life.' he can fill that emotional void where you so long for that deep relationship. he's the way to that relationship...he is that relationship.

on another note:

little miss sunshine.
this is a good movie. it will probably touch you in one way or another. it'll make you laugh, and it'll make you cry. it will parallel your own experience within your family.

so i was thinking some about movies tonight, and why we do or don't like certain ones. the ones i like generally pull at a deeper part of me and appeal to something that's bigger than me. like garden state...this movie tears at my heart. i recently watched it again and one recurring thought was bouncing around in my head..."I WANT THAT." i want someone to set me free like that.

now i'm even kind-of regretting that statement. like earlier tonight, i was talking about garden state, made the statement, and immediately wished i hadn't said it. there's maybe that little something i let go...and got laughed at. i felt ridiculous for even thinking it. how dare i be emotional about something? want something? how dare i feel strongly about it? maybe i'm a little bitter right now.

but i can't keep doing this...can't keep dumping out effort and energy if it's not getting me any closer.